


fraying thread

by Hibibun



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Gen, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love, post volume 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:40:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24975493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hibibun/pseuds/Hibibun
Summary: Their relationship had always been a simple means to an end. Izaya was to play the role of friend, and Shinra was to teach him what it was like to not care about the world, showing him the darkest traces humanity could offer.
Relationships: Kishitani Shinra & Orihara Izaya, Kishitani Shinra/Orihara Izaya
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	fraying thread

**Author's Note:**

> same disclaimers as before! still have only made my way through one and a half SH novels (which I'm already foggy on again) and still have not really looked into any of the Izaya side novels. so sorry once again if the continuity is off, i just felt like writing this miserable piece and cleaned it up enough to post.

“I really broke your heart, didn’t I?” Shinra’s voice rises, as curious and callous as always. He never needed to sharpen his words to have them sting—merely speak them with as little care as possible. Truly, it was so heartless that Izaya hated how just hearing those words spoken broke him, all the while encapsulating everything he ever saw in Shinra Kishitani.

A man who felt no need to care for anyone else around him. His sole reason for living was a monster of a woman, who if she knew better, would run and never look back. A woman who even he has lied and manipulated to keep by him.

Izaya only wishes he was lucky to be that important to someone, instead emulating the methods presented to him with only a sliver of true detachment. It pales compared to the original, but it’s not like anyone who looked really could tell the difference. Everyone except for the man sitting on the other side of the table.

Honestly, it’s a shock Shinra is even here. Perhaps, even age has made his old friend sentimental enough for a visit.

“What stupid thing are you sprouting now?” Izaya asks back, carefully shaping a smile that doesn’t quite fit his face as well as it used to.

Shinra fiddles with the band around his finger—a joke of a wedding ring considering his wife isn’t considered a living person by any ruling government. If there was any actual kind of ceremony, Izaya didn’t hear about it. Not that he would have particularly wanted to go anyway. It takes an extra moment to recognize Shinra has looked back up at him, and once more Izaya hates the way he’s seen through, not even knowing himself what kind of expression he must hold staring at that tiny piece of metal.

“I don’t feel guilty about it. Or maybe I do a little, but I sometimes wonder what kind of people we’d be had we never met. I’ve just been thinking—” Shinra starts up again, but he can’t bear to hear anymore. This isn’t what he envisioned when they agreed to catch up, and in hindsight, Izaya can’t think of a single thing that could be said which wouldn’t be painful. There’s a reason he’d been avoiding everyone, and he was stupid to think that Shinra sparing a half an hour for him would amount to anything that could be good.

“Did you agree to this meeting just to reminiscence about things that don’t matter? If you were that eager to tell me you wished we never met, you could have just said so on the phone.” Izaya barks out a laugh, a tremor of anger underlying it that he hates is detectable. He doesn’t know how to play this game anymore, and he doesn’t know how to pretend he ever did. There are many ties he cut, and yet even with this one, he’s held onto its fraying end for years hoping, wondering, masochistically knowing, there was nothing ever there to begin with.

Their relationship had always been a simple means to an end. Izaya was to play the role of friend, and Shinra was to teach him what it was like to not care about the world, showing him the darkest traces humanity could offer.

He hates hearing to his face that their farce of a friendship might have been a mistake, because he doesn’t know how to think of himself without any of the things Shinra has taught him. Over and over he’s endured knowing it was a pointless endeavor on the off chance it could change. For those few and far moments in between where he genuinely could forget it was a carefully constructed lie.

Because truthfully, when has Shinra ever cared about him for his own sake? All his talk of concern and critiques on his choices were said by someone who had a status and a reputation to uphold. His girlfriend—wife—hated his guts anyway. She’d be _thrilled_ to learn they were no longer talking.

“What even are we?” Izaya pushes, chasing the tails of destruction now awaiting him. It hurt and that brittle, shattered heart Shinra had spoken of what felt like decades ago was stirring in a way he had forgotten how to shut off.

“We’re supposed to be friends, but why? It stopped needing a reason didn’t it? And now you’re here trying to admit, what? Guilt? Regret? As if I had no choice in where my life put me?” Izaya doesn’t try at this point to disguise how upset he is because it really doesn’t matter anymore. He has the tattered remains of his pride cloaked around him, but it doesn’t help or protect him enough from this.

_Are you lonely, Orihara?_

His fist unconsciously curls to a fist and he makes himself take a breath to release it.

When he looks up, Shinra is staring at him in a way he’s never seen before, and Izaya hates how eager he still is to try and discover what it is he is interpreting. What it is he sees in him, if anything at all.

“Go home, Shinra.” He eventually croaks out, wishing to do that now himself—but Izaya knows he’s never really had one of those either. At the very least, a quiet corner to lick his now reopened wounds closed would be much preferred to a public café.

“You were never really good at being honest, but I guess it is getting to be about time. This isn’t really goodbye though.” Shinra says and takes one last sip of the tea he’d gotten. It’s cold and doesn’t really go down as smoothly as he’d hoped. This conversation still is one Izaya isn’t ready to have it seems. For as much as he projects himself in words, it’s painfully obvious how frail he’s let himself noticeably become. He's a shadow of his former self, but given how that person was, seeing him like this isn't all that upsetting either. 

“Even if I don’t always pick up, I’m still happy to call you one of my few precious friends, so call me again sometime. I can even bring Celty with me.” He tacks on, expression perking up at the mention of love of his life—something that as repeatedly tactless as he is, once more isn’t meant to incite pain. With a simple wave, that obnoxious smile still plastered on his face, Shinra Kishitani leaves him behind once again and Izaya doesn’t even mind this time.

Calmly, he reaches for his phone and merely waits for his ride to arrive. His own tea is just as cold by now, but there’s an odd pleasantness found in the way it tastes as he swallows. As long as he still has a tiny thread left, even if it hurts, he will continue to watch as long as he’s allowed. 

**Author's Note:**

> not quite sure if im Entirely happy with it (this is only the second or third time i've ever written shinra and so i'm still uncertain i do him justice) but i like parts of it well enough. thank you for reading!


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